Have you ever wondered why even eager adults have a difficult time reaching out to the emerging generation in a life-on-life fashion? Ironically, sometimes pastors and teachers have the hardest time of all. Teachers, especially, I've found, are not naturally good mentors.

In talking this over the PTBI staff devised a theory about why life-on-life relationships are so hard-and what we can do about it. I develop the idea in my new book, Living Life-on-Life. Here's a sneak preview.

 

The theory is based on an analogy of postures vs. gestures that we learned from Andy Crouch in his book, Culture Making, in which he uses the word "posture" as a metaphor for how people engage culture:

Our posture is our learned but unconscious default position, our natural stance. It is the position our body assumes when we aren't paying attention, the basic attitude we carry through life.

Odd examples are the easiest to remember, right? Here's one for you. It has been common in recent decades for women in the workplace to wear high heels every single day. Unfortunately, when a woman wears high-heeled shoes, her Achilles tendons are compressed. If these tendons are compressed repetitively over a long time, they can actually shorten.

The result is that many older women who wore fashionable high-heeled pumps every day of their adult lives are so physically changed that wearing flat shoes can cause unbearable discomfort. Many companies making geriatric women's shoes account for this physical alteration by making the heel of the shoe higher than the toe-giving it a little lift to accommodate the changed foot and calf structure.

The same thing happens with our defining roles in life. Someone in the role of teacher is likely to use the physical gesture of standing in front of a group and talking. Put a teacher into a mentoring relationship, and it is easy for him or her to take on the posture of teaching. The problem: teaching is a great gesture but a horrible posture.

The goal in living life-on-life is to take on an open relational posture that can easily accommodate different relational gestures. Think of Chinese martial artists who begin each encounter with a horse-riding stance or a bow stance, from which hundreds of movements are possible. Starting from such a stance expresses a readiness--indeed, an expectation--to interact in a certain way.

Here are some common relational gestures that adults should master to pass the baton of godly faithfulness to the next generation:
•    Friendship: being a faithful confidant and sounding board to another person.
•    Advising: using your experience to guide a person to greater success.
•    Coaching: listening, asking powerful questions and helping another person take responsibility for his own success.
•    Discipling: helping someone grow in his faith walk.
•    Sponsoring: putting your reputation on the line to advance the opportunities of another person.
•    Teaching: explaining truth in a compelling and actionable fashion.
•    Hospitality: being vulnerable by inviting another person into a safe relational and physical space.

Each of these seven relational gestures has been used throughout the ages with astounding results. Remember, though, that they are merely gestures, not postures. If they become fixed too firmly, if one or the other tends to dominate your relationships, you might be missing opportunities for personal growth and short-circuiting the process of really being with others in a life-on-life fashion.

So...what do you think of the theory? Does it explain things for you? E-mail me your thoughts and stories at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .